Outside Looking In

2006-05-08T22:00:00.000Z

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me . I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

Virginia Satir

2006-04-29T17:30:00.000Z

He was smooth...charming...kinda cute even. But it wasnt that. It was his voice. A voice that caressed your soul and touched the very core of your being. A voice that radiated innocence, the kind that made you feel good and pure inside and yet somehow one that was seductive as hell. I should have listened to my mama when she told me not to be fooled but how did i know that this treacherous heart would so easily be deceived? If I could talk to him I'd say , " You don't exist to me anymore. You're like a stranger , the only difference is I'd give a stranger a chance" And that would be so true.

But I would also say is "There's so many things to tell you,left unsaid until now... Can you hear me when I talk to you? I'd give anything if I just knew.

I search through my memories , hoping to find something but its all tarnished...all corroded by what happened. It hurts to know that you can be replaced so quickly...so thoughtlessly. That my feelings, so precious to me, were so carelessly flung aside.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you, worse even that you let someone in and they can mess you up. You put up all these defences based on experience, you build a wall, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a part of you. They didn't ask for it...they probably didn't even want it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you or hug you, and then just like that, with a flutter of the heart, your life wasn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. .So a simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' shatters your suddenly oh-so-fragile heart into a million pieces .It eats your insides and leaves you crying in the darkness, leaves you all alone. It hurts.No not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. But scars heal and pain goes in mere minutes. Its over and I'm happy. My life's a dance. Sometimes I may not be in rhythm but at least I gave it a whirl! And I'm proud of me "

I wonder tho...why does he still persist in my life? Why does he play games...and he does. He doesn't want me in his life. He doesn't need me. (That i feel the same goes without doubt) He told me so in no uncertain terms. And yet he wants to know if I'll be there...Hmmm...I wonder....

2005-12-30T16:40:00.000Z

sumone told me the other day that they knew sumone like me....and that caught me by surprise...my entire life ive been led to believe that im different...so much so that i chose to be different....revel in my uniqueness....

but are any of us as alone as we think we r? or are there wandering souls with their hand's stretched out ....waiting.....waiting....

2005-11-27T10:37:00.000Z

No my friend,darkness is not everywhere,for here n there I find faces illuminated from within;paper lanterns among the dark trees- C. Borge

It still exists...laughter...light...pure souls who cleanse u
Deep down i know it exists...I need to feel it...goodness....

I've tried so hard to live it...one day it'll all come rite...one day

2005-11-26T11:03:00.000Z

ob·ses·sion n.
1.Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
2. A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

ad·dic·tion n.

1. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
2. An instance of this: had an addiction for fast cars.

of the past:
I am a dreamer.Let me wake....U can't break my spirit. its my dreams you take...dreams based on no solid foundation. so they fell down all around me....and all i could do was stand and watch. there was only stillness...dark emptiness...in the recesses of which burnt a small flame that threatened to die out...wanting SO much to be rekindled...TO COME ALIVE...to consume this mind and soul.
of the present:
And then i dared hope. But in true me style i obsessed. Not that i really wanted it...Did I? I wasn't sure...I doubt it...But I obsessed n i let go when i didnt get what i wanted...How could I let him go? ...sumone hu taught me how to feel again...how much do i owe him...? how could i let him go? my friend... my confidante

pride...and so the fall shall come...n i will lose..yet again i will lose.

goodbye me....

2005-11-25T19:38:00.000Z

How is it possible that we are responsible for our own downfall? How is it that the people who truly make us unhappy are ourselves?

Is the way we feel a choice we make? There are those who feel nothing...those filled with numbness.... hu yearn to be alive again...be passionate about things. And yet there are those who feel too much...so much that it hurts...feel for others...feel every emotion so acutely....How then do we reach the happy medium? Not just with emotion but with actions....Being impulsive ....or being too laid back...? Which is the way to go?

Is niceness rewarded? What if you have so much to give...but no one wants to take it?

i want to feel wanted...to be needed....and being myself is clearly not the answer....goodbye me........

Ah newbies!

2005-09-07T20:54:00.000Z

lol i was reading sumone's entries...in fact the entries of sumone who had just come across this wonderful thing called the blog...ah excitement poured out of every sentence...i mean wat have we hear...an online JOURNAL OF SORTS...thats people mite ACTUALLY read it! o im actually quite good at this they think......sumone mite read this and sign me up...IM BRILLIANT!..

sigh that is until they venture upon funnier, more cynical bloggers..and they realise...well that they are actually CRAP.

ah the enthusiasm of blog virgins does bring a smile to my face.

my random question

2005-09-04T23:13:00.000Z

"The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?"

Now ive been debating whether or not to answer this question. after all it will be available for the masses to read on my profile. Theres a certain brand of humour associated with my writing...so i asked myself whether or not i could deal with the pressure.

And so being the geniass that i am , i came up with a cunningly simple and yet cowardly solution. I would write it as part of my blog and then...yes indeedy! it would get hidden amongst all the other randomness ... so im taking the "blog ppl" up on their challenge..IT CANNOT BE DENIED.

So to answer that question. Now the sensible side of me clearly scream " throw it away and start again". But then hold on sez the voice in my head. There are so many things to take into consideration! Like what if the love potion was MEANT to taste bad? What if making it required an expensive ingredient like ground platinum dust?! i mean HOW CUD THAT GO WASTE?! What if ur super in love with the person and are willing to get him/her by any ol means -fair/square, yucky/yummy, sleazy ,wheezy or japaneezee?!

Indeed tis a great dilemma that one faces. And after much deliberation i have finally decided what to do...jazz it up a bit! like i always do! a lil wing of bat, saliva of dog and tail of pig...cackle here cackle there...bubble bubble, oh what trouble...and feed it to the guy/gurl of ur dreams after getting them in a vulnerable position of ur choice...

~The End~

The Mysterious Hold

2005-09-01T23:01:00.000Z

So does anyone out there go thru this feeling of guilt when they havent written in their blog for a while...oh oh we have let our good frend down...we must write, even if its rubbish write write u peasants...

THE BLOG ISNT ALIVE PPL....it cannot feel! really take my word on it. im a medical student!

i mean what are we afraid we'll let our avid fans down...WE HAVE NO FANS...what we have are a bunch of people who are jobless of have no friends reading about other peoples lives. i mean if i really really wrote for people I'D BE SELLING THIS STUFF...

lol that was quite random. but thats urs truly...smile world!

Just leave closed doors closed...

2005-08-17T11:26:00.000Z

Let still waters lie...Why then do i yearn to go back? To open up a can of old and forbidden worms...

I claim that time and time again situations come and find me and i don't go in search of them. How else can my ass in constant trouble be explained? Or have i been oblivious to the truth? Is it my compulsion to change things...to find answers...to ease the unrest...the reason i want what i can't have...?

This too shall pass

Chutney pots and curry faces

2005-08-11T20:08:00.000Z

note: mdm-my dear mother
mummy#2- (sister 1)
EMD - every mothers dream(sister 3)

Theres just NO accounting for taste is there...why do we see /taste /feel the SAME things differently?!

why is it that some people like aubergine (ME! ME ! ME!) and sum people abhor it....are we ACTUALLY tasting the same thing? i love durian even tho it the smell of it shud be classified illegal and i know people hu wudnt go near the fruit! why is that? solid chocolate with fruit is not nice in my opinion and yet my sister (EMD) can down terrys orange chocolate by the kilogram!

what about the opposite sex....

i mean with me a guy can look like godzilla but if he was over 6'2 , wiry (Sinewy and lean) and dressed well (james marsden...think james marsden...where are all the muslim guys like that?!) ...yummy! and yet weirdly enuff on the total opposite end of the spectrum i love piercings and spiky hair! nailpolish on gurls makes me cringe but on a guy black polish is a right turn on! why do sum guys like twigs and others like major curves...ive heard guys talk abt being to heaven and back wen women have meaty thighs (this was 2 years ago so i dont if tastes have changed since) and there are those hu like petite tiny women...WAT MAKES US DIFFERENT? wat rocks our boats? some people like long hair ...short hair...black, white...beige (personally i think beige people rule..yes im biased ...but seriously beige people have this...i dunno...a certain wow factor i think)

why is it that i like pinks and greens and greys and wud never be caught ded in yellow?

i liked country music but most people i know hated it...were we actually hearing the same thing? no seriously i wanna no...?

and theres such beauty in diversity...like those milkshake kids...half black half white...

wudnt life be just different shades of dull if we were all the same...can u imagine if evryone was hyper like me ? HEAVEN HELP US....lol 4get that! god help me wen i have kids...can u imagine LITTLE imsostigmatiseds running around wreaking havoc!lol wen i was in skul i was ALWAYS getting up2 some mischief and the teachers loved me so they wud jus shake their heads look at me and my frends and say "imsostigmatised and company..........behave yuar selves (writing it like how my indian teachers sed it man!)" i never got punished u know...i had such a gud record that on my last day of skul , i had to ask my politics teacher to send me out of class coz my sisters were teasing me abt wat a goody two shoes i was coz of my clean slate

ANYWAYS back to the original topic take me for example...coz i cud take other people but since im the common factor 2 all of u in this email and im just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO gorgeous and funny and amazing and everyone wants to be me...( lifts eyes skyward and goes dumdeedum innocently), we'll use me

some people will see me as helpful and funny and total wacko..others see me as 2 confident (i pity the fools .im the most insecure person i know!).other people see me as insecure trying to cover up who i really am etc...others just see me as being a pain in the ass..its amazing how we see people totally differently...

OMG EMBARASSMENT!...IM DYING IM DYING!

theres this show here called masterchef...where they start off with like like so many people they are given one hour to cook a 2 course meal and then they move to quater finals semis and the finals....now i love that show...it just started recently but those of u hu ive been talking to recently know ive become a REAL sucker for cookery shows (hey great food bites is on during my 12 o'clock study break!) and have started cooking on a daily basis and as my sisters say im " kinda getting gud at this ya know"...i think food shudnt be measured etc unless ur making a cake...i love that abt great food bites..i learn so much coz they cook like how i cook..quick , gud hearty meals!

so anyways im sitting here on this BEAUTIFUL day rapidly typing this while mummy #2 is reading on her bed wen she suddenly turns to me and sez imsostigmatised, if u were on masterchef wat wud u make? and heres the sad part...ive ACTUALLY come up with menus (obviously i was so gud in my day dreams that i was gonna get to the finals so i made a variety of menus) down to the last minute details of decorating the plate...and she called EDM and i told them and both of them were DYING...like u know tears coming outta there eyes kinda laughter coz i had everything planned...sigh...im such a loser! i love food ok...and im gud at making combinations of food...i think thats where alot of people go rong...not the fact that they are bad cooks...anyone can buy a recipe book...its wat u cook it with...and MDM is the queen of the combos!

i mean u CANNOT eat fish curry with brinjal and potato curry..YET..u can eat grilled fresh fish dressed with lemon and olive oil with beautiful thin slices of potatoes and red peppers(which have been roasted and their skins removed)sauteed ...(god i learnt that in spain on the sea front...it was AMAZING!!!!!)...

u cant have banana pudding if u invite people over coz people mite not like banana...u gotta have fruit salad for the adults and cake and jelly and ice cream for the kids or summin like that for each generation and then if they want they can do an intergeneratioonal swap over thing...lol im so gonna turn into MDM! I SWEAR..she cooks chicken,lamb and fish and all a variety of veggies and salads etc to go with each so that people have "CHOICE" allah bless her soul ...its insane ...but boy is she gud...like a frend sed...imsostigmatised the walk to ur house from the bus stop is long...but it was all worth it for the food...and id do it agen..this is why im obese! well ok major exaggeration...damn curves...child bearing hips

well folks and folkesses...must go study tidy all my notes on the cervix and cervical cancer(theyve been cluttering my room since.....may!)...have loads of babies people...it lowers ur risk of getting endometrial cancer...and breast feeding ur kids lowers the risk of breast cancer...no ones entirely sure why...it just is... im asian man...im gonna do my duty to my ethnicity and overpopulate the world...hehe have like 9-10 baby mes running around the place ...heaven help the world! and the poor chap hu agrees to get hitched to me!

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2005-05-30T09:04:00.000Z

He's here....

dear god in heaven is there sumone u were close to that you now can't bear the thought of meeting? sumone who u trusted and was ur confidante and that changed overnite?well...

He's here....

what do i say? what do i do? do i talk to him? do i pretend coz i know how well he puts on a "part" as we say back home... how gud we have become at putting on faces that don't belong to us...but where do we draw that line?

He's here....

my best friend, the brother of my heart...and i feel like running away... even if everyone in the entire universe deserted me...he was mine...i was his...we were special....only had that relationship with each other...no other...i love the boy...i miss the boy.... and now

He's here....

2005-05-14T14:00:00.000Z

enjoying the summer (if u cud call it that!)...but its sorta laced with this undercurrent of sorrow...from now we're all going our different ways. i dont know why the thot makes me feel so lonely...i find myself memorising faces and moments...everyone is standing around having a blast and i stand there with a smile looking at them worlds away and taking it all in...every last twirl, giggle...it really hurts...the thot of not seeing my crew every day...n i cry inside coz i want them to remember me happy...like they always wanted me to be..

these gals...why do i always let myself get attached? why do i give my all all the time? y does it feel like im growing up...?and why is that thought so scary and painful...the thot that my sisters and i have to leave the rents soon ...i want to be 9 agen...to wake up on the weekend and have "father" read us a story and take us to the beach... everything is changing in front of my eyes and instead of fighting it like ive done all along ive stepped back and just accepted it ...when did that happen? when did i start buying my own travel insurance?!?! y do i feel sad, like nothing will ever b the same?

BACK TO THE BLOG!

2005-05-01T10:04:00.000Z

welcome welcome, i here the shouts...ah the world is rejoicing for imsostigmatised has returned and with aplomb! after all the months of feeling weird and outta it IM BACK!

lol it also helps that those damn exams are over...the ones that kept me awake day and nite, the ones that robbed me of a social life, the ones that made my brains feel like it had been hit against a washing wall a few times and then wrung to death!

why is it that exams end with such an anti climax...u cant wait for them to be over and then when they are why do u sit and twiddle ur thu8mbs...there shud be a law against that ...makes u feel deflated!

especially since i have to clean my room...ah the hole as the siblings refer to it is a disaster area...boox, bags and PAPERS EVERYWHERE...sigh better get tidying up before i go shopping shopping shopping!

2005-02-28T21:22:00.000Z

i am ill...

desperately- feel-sorry-for-myself-im-sure -im-going-to keel-over-and-die ill

fever, headache, nausea and fatigue

and i assure u that i am not pregnant...that is unless some super alien being managed to pull a whammy when i was unawares there is no way this is the problem.

father keeps running in and out of the room telling me i look awful...thank u father... ur SOOOOO observant....

i feel like scratching my inner ear from inside my throat...maybe i am another life form...

i hope someone out there feels sorry for me!sniff sob! coz this pity party im throwing myself is getting awful lonely!

2005-02-28T14:24:00.000Z

familiar tunes resounding in my head...thoughts of old love...a spring in my step...

not to mention that small but subtle thing called examination stress.

god i love the coming of spring..the blooming of flowers...im such an old romantic!

2005-02-25T09:19:00.000Z

IM HAPPY! its snowing and the skies are blue and i wanna twirl around foolishly

coz today i was reminded not to drown in the negativity of it all... reminded that i'd stopped thinking about me and had started drowning in everything around me

maybe i have a big mouth that needs to be stapled shut...maybe i move in and out of the mask and maybe i even eat cornflakes for lunch! BUT GUESS WHAT?! its me!its hu i am...for better or for worse...

we live in a world where people define norms...u must do this...u shud behave like that...baa baa

i havent broken any laws...im a gud person , so guess what world...IM GONNA BE WHO I WANNA BE...

love leaves u vulnerable and defenseless..whatever relationship...huever u love...but those hu TRULY love u will never ever want to see u hurt (for too long ) , will open out their arms, invite u into their lives... and tho we may lose hope from time to time, there will always be those who stand by us, reminding us that "tomorrow is another day"

so im gonna dance in the rain and talk to trees, im gonna sing loudly and tunelessly and if u annoy me i will tell u ur an ass...but i'll love u and cherish u ...i'll hug u and i'll make u laugh..

i refuse to give up or give in....

world, u've got urself a believer!

2005-02-22T18:56:00.000Z

dead...thats what i feel inside

wheres my will to live? to make a difference?
everyday is the same...i feel numb...

i have lost the will to live. thats not saying i wanna kill myself....its saying i want to really laugh again...really feel with every fibre of my being.

2005-02-20T18:36:00.000Z

those damn samosas..

they just ruined it...ruined everything.i was doin well.so well. until my mother fried those samosas. they look so innocent dont they...all golden and crispy...im just a snack they whisper...i'll be over in 2 bites. how much harm can i do..?

and like a victim of the siren herself i walked 2wards their beautiful song(aroma...look at least in my head this sounds poetic)...and ate two..two fattening golden brown triangles..

i hang my head in shame..

my only saving grace is...THEY WERE YUMMY!

silent tears

2005-02-19T23:01:00.000Z

so no one told me it was going to be this hard...
that i'd learn to care so much that i'd hurt without warning .there are reasons and rhymes for everything and if Allah willed it he'll make it known. i dont understand things and i mite never...and im ok with that...but rite now..rite now god i miss him........his laugh, the way he interrupted me all the time.i'd never met anyone who talked so much! ever and i've been known to average 200 odd words a minute!

he made me want to learn...abt my religion...wanted me to learn 2 be patient...

i was accepted.

he helped me find peace within myself..made me smile again at a time i felt like i couldnt go on anymore.

there are words we dont say and then the moment..just passes u by.

n i walk with a smile n i live every moment of everyday just like i did two weeks ago...but these silent tears fall at nite...oh how they fall...beautiful sorrow, for someone i wanted to spend my life with.

2005-02-19T14:19:00.000Z

so i weighed myself and died..

according to everyone i have a smashingly curvy figure...SOD THE CURVES...i want my tomboy figure back!

so diet i shall!

and a little logbook shall be maintained...not necessarily of wat i ate etc...but how i felt at the time.. sigh!i wish i was 15 and underweight agen!

2005-02-18T18:06:00.000Z

what it means to be south east asian

N.B. this includes, what it means to be a south east asian living in the west, what it means to be a south east asian returning to south east asia for a holiday, what it means to be a south east asian muslim and what it means to be a south east asian female.

being south east asian means u are able;

- to make curries out of everything...including brussel sprouts

- to pack a 30 kg suitcase wen ur going for the weekend instead of a carrier bag like other normal human beings

- to watch tamil and hindi movies and actually understand and scarily enuff EVEN BELIEVE whats goin on

- to pronounce words any way u want. this is a privelege of being brown...and u can get away with it because ur accents so bad people laugh.

- to know u have the best of both worlds...ur neither white nor black...ur beige... the whole world longs to be you (or so we tell ourselves to get thru the day)

- to buy everything on offer at the supermarket . WHY? coz its on offer ...IT MUST BE A DEAL even tho u know u've NEVER used that brand before and didnt really have any intention of doing so.

- to pack 15 people into an rickshaw meant for 4 and then yell at the driver coz he cant keep the vehicle straight

- to smack ur kids wen their naughty. hell in the words of russell peters," asian parents will beat their kids...asian parents will kill their kids if they have to. their theory is, 'if i kill one i can always make another one.'"

- to name all 3 million people who attended your next door neighbours wedding. not just this but u are also able to remember every scandalous thing they have done.

- to have all the relations say how westernised u are coz u wear jeans from next rather than elasticated trousers from the local tacky clothes shop

- to visit places that havent heard of baskin robins / ben and jerry's/ hdaaz (this was trauma)

- to sit quietly and agree with relations who talk about politics in the most uneducated manner, without tearing every last strand of hair out

- to never carry out a conversation without using ur hands. this is a very important part of the non verbal aspect of communication. a long time ago all south east asians were deaf and had to use hands. when these gestures are not used people stare at u with retarded expressions.

- to cook for the 28 people that turn up daily without calling before hand. actually 40 people are the expected norm. 28 is a blessing.

a true asian

-has experienced at least one power/water cut in his/her lifetime

-has had a major fite with one of the relations and refuses to look their way anymore

-thinks nothing of opening other peoples lingerie drawers and rifling thru their stuff

- cannot take a cooking lesson unless she wants to openly claim she is ready to get married

- enjoys tea that is made with so much sugar its actually syrup

- has a maid or is a maid.

- buys bucket loads of chocolate for their family wen they return to the mother land from the west EVEN THOUGH its cheaper in the east.

- muslim eats out at least thrice a weak (or twice on the weekends)

- muslim man wears a hankerchief on his head coz his aim is to embarass his western relations or he has forgotten his prayer cap

- gets his daughter married in order to let her leave the country to gain an education

-says yes men , no men, bend in half men and TRULYYYYYYY?!?!?!

- mix english and whatever other language they speak so much so that they don't notice the difference

- eats biriyani with jam!

-lives 2 eat, lives 2 eat and did i mention lives to eat

im asian...and proud......

2005-02-18T11:40:00.000Z

the big family

let me tell u about the big family... DONT HAVE ONE

if you have more than one sister, it is time you packed your bags and went to seek your own fortune.

i have 3...THREE WHOLE SISTERS...and one psychotic "my dear mother" . to add to this we have a man in the house...we call him father(actually we don't call him that but these are my thoughts...).father used to make futile attempts at maintaing some sort of order...until one day he realised it wasn't working and went mad. now he just walks around cracking jokes and dancing and talking to himself (for real).but he's huggable , so we've decided to keep him. also he does what i shall call "bread winning"...he wins bread...actually he buys bread and EVERYTHING else on offer at the supermarket. he has the inability to recall what "my dear mother" will do when he comes home...which is yell at him saying "EVEN IF THEY GIVE YOU THE WHOLE SHOP FOR FREE...DO NOT TAKE IT..I HAVE NO PLACE IN THE FRIDGE".

"my dear mother" is deeply in love with father. she has a funny way of showing it. she cooks for him, often laughs at his jokes. maybe she's mad as well. but her greatest gesture in terms of the love thing is to shout at him..i think this is what they call "communication".

the elder sister...is referred to as "mummy#2". somewhere along the way "my dear mother" and father , who are collectively referred to as "the parental unit" or "rents", forgot that they were in charge. this was the ideal opportunity for "mummy #2" to take over and thus ruin my life. she cooks...shes funny, shes beautiful...shes perfect...AHA...but theres a catch...she comes with an EVIL streak (MWAHAHAHAHA)..the kind that gets me in trouble with the "rents". also mite i add "mummy #2" doesn't clean and for reasons i shall mention soon.

Myself i shall refer to as imsostigmatised. Theres a reason for that...

"imsostigmatised" doesnt do anything ;
why is all the good food left for "imsostigmatised"?;
the dishwasher broke- its "imsostigmatised"
theres nothing the matter...we r all calm..something is not rite with this situation, let us pick on "imsostigmatised"

are u following me here?IM SO TOTALLY STIGMATISED!

then theres "every mothers dream (EMD)". EMD is "mummy #2's" partner in crime. they are fast frends and also have wonderful team spirit. EMD cleans and tidies, puts things away, studies , does very well in school , is religious, funny...oh so funny...and a tomboy. EMD is loved by all who meet her. GAG u think. but like her partner EMD has an unseen layer...she is stubborn.. this actually makes her likable instead of a stepford wife.

lastly we have "the baby of the family" who shall be referred to as "igetwateveriwant".father adores her and "my dear mother" ignores her. i think there are just too many of us for "my dear mother (mdm)" to handle. "igetwateveriwant" and myself, "imsostigmatised" were thrown together as partners. we have what one calls a love hate relationship.

u think ive finished? OH NO NO...that was just a brief gist..

u see women tend to synchronise menstruation....that would be synchronised tempers, mood swings and tearful breakdowns. this i believe is the REAL reason father went mad.

so at this moment in time...just as in every other month in my life...we have madness...chaos reigns and i am making my way to oman to marry a stranger (refer to decisions below) ...ANYTHING to leave the asylum...

MDM started crying coz we got lost on the way to a restaurant, and accused me for not helping her (HUH?!) ... unfortunately im always in direct line of attack as i sit diagonally behind her in the car... she claimed i was useless... (i am but this is besides the point!)

when ur stigmatised as often as i am , u become defensive... and so i claimed it was unfair. "igetwateveriwant"intervened telling me to "STOP IT" and "mummy#2" and EMD sat there shaking their heads saying to me "u know wat MDM is like...why do u do this"

I ASK U NOW...DID I STAND A CHANCE?

and why? all because father cannot read directions... so lets blame him. it makes life easier.

this is just one example of an hour in the life of imsostigmatised.

and to make matters worse...the big family never just consists of the rents and the 3 WHOLE sisters...kid urself not. the big family consists of those niggly-wiggly-pokey-v-like-to-interfere-in-ur-business" relations.

it can't possibly be that bad...can it?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
BREATHE
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

MDM has 8 siblings as does father...THAT MAKES A GRAND TOTAL OF 19 aunts and uncles...not to mention cousins and second cousins... all shaking their heads coz ur not yet married...and coz your studying a degree that will finish only when ur 24 and HEAVEN FORBID ur not married by then...hu will want to marry an old hag? a woman hu actually wants to know herself?

this is what has influenced my decision to do any of the below

a)kill myself using a rope hanging from the ceiling
b) go to oman and marry a nice oil sheikh (do they have oil in oman?)
c) take fathers route and claim insanity
d)be myself

now option d is quite interesting.... for so long ive been trying to live up2 other peoples expectations , i created a mask...and wore it day and nite for so long ive forgotten where i begin and it ends.. hopefully this journey of thots will help me answer the question i've been dying to scream out my entire life:

WHO AM I?

2005-02-17T17:41:00.000Z

food...so whats the deal with that?

there are two kinds of people in the world...those who love food and those who dont love food...

people who are unsure...just kill urselves now.u will be doing us all a favour. obliterating indeciciveness and the inability to act on impulse from this world.

in my book however there should be only one kind of people ...the food lovers.

now over eating ...whats the deal with that...we've decided to blame it all on mdconalds...THOSE NICE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PROVIDING US WITH HAPPY MEALS FOR DECADES...and this is how you repay them...u ungrateful little shits.

what u should be doing is throwing out that washing machine and dryer and start doing everything by hand. throw out the clothes hanging on that treadmill and RUN LIKE A HAMSTER!

cmon 2 4 6 8 obese people lets lose weight!

so now the question of how politically correct this posting is...I'd like to say this is my plea on behalf of my profession and the National Health Service...

but is it just overeating?

...i was thinking these thots as i was jumping around trying to get my 30 minutes of exercise for the day while washing the rice...

we have become so obsessed with giving in to our urges...this is a genaration that THRIVES on it...

so is our inability to control ourselves, controlling us?

2005-02-17T14:58:00.000Z

stigmatized...thats what i am. tho i must admit i prefer the look of that with an "s".
so yes basically at this moment my life pretty much isnt the best right now or in a more me like term

my life is falling apart just like my pasta

but what i figure is, well it can only get better...so i shall smile and brave the day and do my very best not to think abt my upcoming exams and how i really should be studying anatomy rather than sitting here and venting out my frustrations abt life and guys and life and did i mention guys as in the male species ; that were sent down here to wreak havoc.

here i was happily strumming along on my pretend guitar... eating ice cream and doing wat people with too much time on their hands do...(ah the art of the multitask) when WHAM...venus bangs into jupiter and cancerians eat goblins while stabbing scorpios and moods get swung waaaaaaaay off axis.

and in this disaster area i am left to look around and wonder what became of what appeared to be the perfect life...as perfect as my life gets anyways...IM NOT MOANING...im contemplating...

so what is it that guys want...like really?do they know?!

i know what i want...pudding.pudding is good for the soul...it makes me feel nice and warm and fuzzy inside...

teenagers suck...so let me tell u my story..i had sumone i was close to...a frend..a cousin...
a kindred soul all rolled in2 one. but he decided to act 18 which he is and sniff sob act like a total dickhead and take a few comments wayyyyyyy outta proportion and now im stuck here feeling sorry for myself. he shalt never talk 2 me ever again. if that wasnt all...U think u find sumone...u kno REALLY find sumone u want to spend the rest of ur days with...and ur too energetic...too lively...too much to handle...

i feel like ive zoned out...my soul is in another place...another time...and im looking down on this gurl in purple pyjamas and a blue tshirt riting abt her life for the world to see..does the world care? no...but journals suck and typings faster

have u ever been surrounded by so many people hu want to be with u..and yet u wanna be alone...and even those that claim they love u...they all seem to get along and why do i feel like im outside on a cold snowy nite...looking in2 this beautiful warm cosey room where everyones sitting by the fire and enjoying themselves...they're enticing u...come in....come in they seem to say...but what if like the so many other times before u do go in only to realise ur eyes deceieved u? move away from the window? or knock at the door and cross that threshold? take another chance? risk showing hu u r?what u r?

there are no tears left to be shed...no energy left to let loose..just stillness...dark emptiness...in the recesses of which lies a little flame thats dying out...wanting SO much to be rekindled...TO COME ALIVE...to consume this mind and heart that once felt...